BITE ME! OK?

Last night, as it is every single night, my phone was in my purse. My purse was in my bedroom and I was, guess where? I was on the computer (insert "go figure" in my husbands voice here). I think it was my dad that sent me an email of this really tall bridge, claiming to be the tallest in the world and I was so intrigued by it that I wanted to Google Earth it. So I did. The email gave little description to exact locale of said bridge, so I had to do a bit of Internet research to get the name of a town close by to narrow my search. But instead of doing my research on this bridge before I pulled up Google Earth, I searched nearly the whole E11 highway from Paris to Barcelona where it claimed to be, somewhere, getting sleepier by the minute. Then the name of the town, which slips memory right now, pops up on probably the 3rd page I decided to look at and I find that on Google Earth and narrow my search more. By the time I find it, which on Google Earth is a very impressive gray splotch hovering much closer to the satellite camera that took it's picture, making the other roads look like pieces of hair, I am really tired and pretty much lost interest too. I honestly don't remember doing much looking at it before I closed the stupid application down and shut my computer down. But this is where it gets good..
Mike signs onto msn messenger on his phone and sends me a pretty ugly message.
"It's pretty sad when this is the only way I can get ahold of you."
But before he even types that message, once I see him sign in, I get my phone that has 2 missed calls, out of my purse, and start calling him back. He doesn't answer after 2 tries so I stop trying. Then I get that message on msn messenger and then as soon as he sends it, he signs out so I can't reply.
I am tired anyway and I just want to go and do what I had planned, lay in bed and read my book. By the way in case anyone decides to read this, My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult, is defiantly recommended if you are looking for something good to read.
And because Mike signed off the messenger before I could respond, I decide to be nice and text him, "I tried to call you back I'm sorry my phone was in my room in my purse I was google earthing this really tall bridge in France love you good night."
To which his response was, "Yea that's the same damn excuse I get every stupid night and if i did that you be getting on me about that BS."
Calmly I just type again, "good night"
And who knows his mood but here's what he types back, " OK whatever I see you don't give a shit like usual."
I text, "If that's the way you feel. I'm tired and this is pointless. Goodnight."
Nothing more was said.

So tonight when he left for work, he reached in to kiss me good-bye and my lips turned slightly so it wasn't a full on lip to lip kiss....I didn't realize what I had done, Brandon was just crying so hard that he made himself puke and I haven't really felt like myself emotionally lately but whatever. I pissed him off. Great. He storms out the door "WHATEVER" like a teenage girl, gets in his car and as I slip on one of my flip flops to go outside to try to make it all better, peels out of the driveway and heads to work. So I kicked my flip flop off and sit back down on the couch. I didn't realize that I could piss him off so much by not meaning to half way kiss him. Maybe most of it is the fact that I am drained of the ability to care anymore. I can't keep caring about hurting some one's feelings when I feel they couldn't give two shits if they hurt mine. I am sick of trying to please everyone. What about me? What about what I want? Has he ever once asked me if I am happy? NO! He just thinks because he can make me laugh on occasion that I am happy. I am not happy. I feel like a robot. Robots can't feel anything and that's how I am right now. I don't cry. I don't care. I don't fight for stuff or say I'm sorry anymore. I am not sorry. If I'm pissing you off, GOOD! Get pissed off. I'm not arguing with him anymore and if that seems like I could care less than maybe it's true.

Can you get postpartum depression for the first time when your only child is 2 1/2? If so, then I have it. If not then I am a freak and have it anyways. If there is one thing that I care about left in this world, it's defiantly him. I really have stopped caring about most everything except my son. He's not making me depressed. I think it's this constant fucking pattern I do every damn day. Get up, get dressed, take Brandon to school, go to work, come home, sometimes make dinner, and put Brandon to bed. It's really irritating. Sorry about the curse words, they make the post seem more "spicy" I just used my "sentence enhancers" LOL.

why bother?

I think that's really how I feel lately. Why bother with anything? Me and momma had a conversation yesterday, I think that's when it was, we talk every day, anyways we talked about living life to the fullest and being truely happy. I don't know what truely happy is because I am not experiencing that. I can only tell you that I am here and I am trying really hard to make this work. I try so hard to please Brandon and Mike that I forget to think about myself. I feel very sad lately. I had a huge converstaion with Mike a few weeks ago and I give up now. I poured my heart out and got little reaction. Sure he cried, but really, you have nothing to say? I am still upset about that but what am I gonna do? I am absoutly not happy with my job, I hate who I work with and feel like an outsider there. I want my reality to stop or to take a right turn down fantasy lane. I feel like I am rambling and on the verge of tears right now. I don't even know why I am posting, which I guess is the main reason for my title. Why should I even bother to write when no one reads what I write anyways? OK, now the verge that I mentioned earlier has been breeched.
The saddest part of how I feel is that I have absoutly no sexual desire with my husband. None. I don't want it with anyone for that matter. I am really tired though so maybe that's playing a part in how I feel. I think I am going to go to bed or at least lay there and read till I fall asleep. Feeling this way sucks. I read most of my posts and it doesn't seem like I post much on happy things in my life this whole thing is really depressing. I need friends. I want to hang out with people and have a good time. I never do anything.