pondering life

You often wonder why you were given a second chance at life. You drown at age four, jumped into the wrong side of the pool and didn't know how to swim. You had to have CPR performed, rushed to the hospital, IV's inserted, scary stuff! So instead why didn't God just take you then? It would have been a lot easier. So then, you find something simple you're glad to be alive for and when you're four, it's probably a simple toy because you have both parented forever in your little mind and life means very little to a four year old. Not because you are heartless but simply because you know any better. Then you grow up and the older you get the more you understand life or so that's what's suppose to happen. You are now thankful for your parents but only when they aren't up in your business. You have a few good friends now and you loath your sister. She's a pain the the ass that never leaves you alone and you cherish your alone time, well, you do if you're me. So then you grow up even more, appreciating the little things in life if you were raised right, food, clothes, a roof over your head, your curfew, OK, maybe you don't appreciate or understand all the rules but you will sooner than you think. Mom and dad seem like the enemy, you're never left alone with your boyfriend and you just now got a TV in your room because mom found it in some one's spring cleaning junk and it still worked. You idolize and crush on people that won't even matter in a few years but it doesn't matter because you live in the now. You listen to music and try to fit in desperately. Your mom still won't buy you any name brand shoes or clothes which completely sucks and is totally not fair but unbenounced to you, she is actually teaching you something that you'll totally appreciate when you have to buy stuff yourself. Your parents divorce and you hate someone for it but not sure who to hate. Dad gets remarried and now you have a brother. He is like your best friend but he's only 2 and he has no clue but you sense he admires you.

And now you're out on your own. No job experience, mom wanted you to concentrate on school, which by the way, got you place #36 out of 198 but not much more. What do you do? The easiest way out and furthest away from staying home feeling like a failure. Yes, you join the army. It fits like a square peg in a round hole. Totally too girly, you end up crying every day you're there instead of using that energy toward something more productive. But somehow, through adversity, you make it. No thanks to the cute virgin guy who had more confidence in you than you did, you find that everything you thought was going to kill you did in fact do quite the opposite. AIT was a blur, you were too busy partying and loving life. Hell you're 18, you're allowed. You have what you think is the most perfect boyfriend ever and he asks you to marry him. You say yes but aren't the perfect girlfriend, cheating on him having a blast not a care really.

Your sister has a kid, the cutest baby you've every been around up to this point in your life, well, next to your little brother and sister. You're stationed at Ft Campbell, KY, you still love that party scene and can have the greatest time as well as be the designated driver. Gay clubs, dance clubs, titty bars, you name it, you've been there and partied. Tequila, coke (the kind you drink) any kind of liquor, great friends or alone you know how to have fun. The wild nights dancing on stage teasing all the guys, sleeping with the cute guy your friend just described as her boyfriend. Sleeping with the cute nerd because you were drunk but so was he. Not remembering sleeping with people when they clearly remember you. Gaining so much confidence you never had. The fun times with Captain Ramos while you're a specialist.

Then you're deployed to Kosovo, sobering shock to appreciate even smaller things in life than before. Running water, clean clothes, paved streets even your hubcap less car that blew a tire in the first damn week you had it. You meet more people while deployed. The cute guy in special forces you slept with, the other in 3rd ID you fell in love with. You do crazy thing with said 3rd ID cutie. Things ill performed before or since. You struggle with depression or maybe just a bad case of someone feel sorry for me. Attempt suicide and spend a week in a mental hospital the sanest among the insane which results in an early discharge from the army. The cute 3rd ID guy is still there for you and doesn't think you're crazy at all maybe a bit of an attention whore but he's loving giving that attention. Pretty soon dad is there to pick you up from the airport forgiving, never hating a thing you've ever done. Parents love is unconditional as is your love for them.

So, clueless as to what the next step is, you go to California and Vegas, party some more look like a hooker in your best friends "wedding" at a Vegas chapel. Unemployed for about a month hating it so much. Get a shitty job at Converges. You work there two weeks before quitting and going to work for Wal-Mart. It's only temporary, right? At least you're in the vision center and vision, eyesight, glasses, is what you were trained on. Have a psycho boyfriend that physically abuses you one too many times and you kick him out. Psycho boyfriend leaves you roses at work and tapes homemade cards and poems to your car as well as leaves roses on your computer chair at home. Forces you to call your newest friend and ask him to stay the night. Of course this spawns a new relationship kinda unwanted but not resisted. He's a funny guy and laughs at your jokes too. He wants to be around you and you enjoy his company. He's in the army and deploys to Iraq as it's just starting. You don't hear from him for weeks. Your heart and eyes can't stop watching the news and your five minute phone call once a week sucks but it's great to hear his voice. Fearing the mailman isn't stopping by your house, you write a letter to him every day and get one back with a proposal. Yes of course! So when he returns you get married. A month later move to Texas. 3 more months later he goes back to Iraq. You're left alone missing him again. Watch the news swearing if someone came to the door in uniform, you would hurt them physically. You get put on lexapro for depression and why not? The one person you love more than anything got ripped away from you again. You're about 900 miles from the nearest family and you have no friends close by. Facebook, twitter even myspace doesn't exist. So your Christmas that year sucks and you refuse to take your tree down until you have Christmas with him. February it comes down, you finish Texas and move to Cincinnati but not before you get pregnant and lose a baby. That was probably a good eye opener. Question God and the meaning of life rightfully so. Your sister is pregnant again 3rd baby and while she goes on to have a healthy baby boy you are having a successful D&C performed.

Onward to Cincinnati. You live with family feeling like a moocher for about 3 months, not 100% sure on the exact time but it feels like close to forever. Starting to despise each other because he doesn't have a job yet and you still don't have a place to live. You work about an hour away and the commute sucks. So you find a cheap place and by cheap it's not worth the $350 a month you pay. You get pregnant and have a healthy baby boy but don't enjoy being pregnant due to your previous loss. But he's beautiful and you might now understand why you were granted a second chance at life when you where just four. But then when your son is about 4 months old, Iraq calls again. This time, you're too busy for the news and decide to boycott TV all together. You work full time and when you're not working you're with your son, barely with time to yourself. so then he comes back. New house now cause you're fucking super woman and bought and moved into a house all by yourself while he was deployed. Your son is 13 months old and afraid of his daddy. Thank God that doesn't last long. You kinda despise his return because he's screwing up your pattern of life. A month after he returns, you find out while he's deployed he befriended a girl, one who had no idea he was married or had a kid and instantly your heart sinks right into the very pit of your stomach if not further to your feet. You opened yourself up to him and he betrayed you. You begin questioning life again but there's gotta be someone out there that can appreciate you and care for you without the betrayal shit. Now you are hurt, forever wounded no matter how hard you try you can't forget the fact that he told someone else he loved them and then his excuse!! That is shittier than used toilet paper. "You didn't pay attention to me, write me or send me care packages." Well, really? Fucking loser. So yes, you forgive him but you can't seem to get over it. Rightfully so. Now you're stuck questioning yourself. Where do you wanna go? What do you want to do? Do you wanna be like this forever? Do you even know what you're feeling or doing? Do you think too much? You aren't spontaneous enough to just get out even thought you feel dead inside. You keep being told to think about everything you'll lose. Like what? A fucking house? Fuck that. You already live like friends. You have no idea what he spends his money on and don't care. You ask him for half the bills already and the sexual desire does not exist. If you do have sex you are imagining it's someone else. Sucha sad life you live. So you need to change it before your next suicide attempt is your last. You don't want your son to grow up in a broken home but that's probably better than the way it is now. So you continue to think, you do it so well, and eventually you'll realize that putting up with all this, being unhappy, staying stagnant for money or a child makes your second chance, not worth living.