My New Year

I started going to see a Psychologist earlier last month and I have to say that some of my issues are better but most of the issues that are better aren't affecting my life every day.

A little background on the issues that is better:

I have (or maybe now had) this horrible fear of fires. I don't know what started it but I have been extreamly afraid of them for as long as I can remember. Enough to the point that I almost hate leaving my house because I was afraid it would be burned to the ground by the time I got home. I didn't learn how to strike a match until I was about 14-15 years old. I didn't mess with lighters. I think that's one of the main reasons that I don't like gas stoves. I just hate it. I hate the smell of fires, even bbq. I just can't stand it. I hate to see something burnt..yea it's bad.
My dad's house burned down about 9 or so years ago. I was in the army and I went home that weekend. I was staying with my dad and I had left the house that day to go see my sister in school and to see some of my friends still there. On the way back to dad's house, my sister noticed that there was smoke on the hill but I didn't notice it. Well we got to dad's house and there was a fire truck there and I saw a girl that my stepmom worked with and she said that the shed caught on fire and that half the house burned down. All I could think of was my daddy and my little brother and sister. My little brother was probably 3 or so when it happened.
Anyways I had never quite got over that happening and it has really affected my life in a strange way that I don't really let anyone know about till now. Well going to the Psychologist has really helped me deal with that fear a little better. I can't say that it's gone, but I can say that I am not as terified about it now as I was. I can actually revisit those memories and smile and think that everyone is ok and the house is rebuilt and life has gone on.

I do however, still have my problems with my husband. Mike was such a good husband and a great friend to me when we first got married and now that we have Brandon, I feel so distant from him. I miss my bestfriend. I love Brandon and no matter what, would never want anything different. I don't know why things changed between us. I feel like I am a hotel owner right now. He comes home, I make dinner and he goes to bed. I mean I think that if he up and left me one day, I would be fine. I can't believe I feel this way about someone that I once felt soo strongly for that I thought if I ever lost him I would go insain but I am soo lonely right now. I have Brandon and that's it. Mike is working days right now with the army and last night he came home and had to do some sort of stupid course online which kept messing up and he kept cussing at it and I told him to shut up and if it didn't work to give up. First of all he didn't come home till almost 6, messed around on that damn computer for about an hour and a half or so while eating dinner. By the time he finished everything it was time for Brandon to go to bed. He got fusterated with Brandon the other night while getting him dressed so I stopped everything and went in there and did it myself. I think there's been a few days where Mike hasn't changed a single diaper, that's how much family time we spend together. I had 5 days off in a row (of which today is the last of) and I have spent less time with my family during this past 5 days than I would if he was working 3rd shift sleeping till 2 in the afternoon. Now he comes home, eats and watches some tv while I clean up after dinner and then he freaking goes to sleep. I get soo pissed.

When is it gonna be my turn again? When can I have the husband that I love back? I don't like this emotionless husband that came home from Iraq this time. My life sorta sucks right now. I really feel like Brandon is the glue holding me and him together.

If he left today, I'd probably help him pack his bags..I am just so sad.