I'm Depressed

I am really trying very hard to find my feelings that I had for my husband way back when I married him 5 years ago, or even before I married him. I tell you I use to love him like there was no other man in the world. I use to look at him and see little "hearts" around his head because that's how much I was in love with him. Even when he came back from Iraq in 2004, he was different but I could still feel that he loved me. This last trip to Iraq changed him and not for the better. I don't know why it did. Why I feel like this last deployment was really the most changing on him but it was.

I was feeling "in the mood" yesterday, granted he just took a shower but it's not like sex is a daily thing in our house. I think we've had sex 2 times since being home from vacation for Brandon's birthday. He told me no he just took a shower. Well that made me feel like crap. Seriously a man turning down sex. How often does that happen? Then I start to doubt myself. Am I too fat? Do I not do it good enough for him? Am I unattractive?

So we were on our way to get Brandon and I was still discussing the sex issue I think or something along the lines of marriage and I made the comment "If I had known 5 years ago that marriage was like this, I wouldn't have done it." He just looked really pissed and didn't say anything. I then said, "Don't you think it would be hard to be with someone that has no feelings, rarely says I love you first, doesn't ever compliment you and never discusses their feelings? Cause I tell you it's hard as hell for me to do it!" He got even more mad and then said "every time I go to Iraq I numb myself" I told him I am not Iraq and never once do I think I've treated him like he was there so he can stop "numbing" himself now. I can't stand to be treated like this. It's as if I'm married to a zombie. I hate it. He's a good daddy and I'll never say anything different in that case but him as a husband is seriously depressing. I have never felt so unloved, unappreciated in my life. All I want is the man I married. I know I may never have that person again but I would really like him to start caring more about me and my feelings and how he's making me feel. I feel more alone with him here than I do when he's away. At least I can fantisize that he still loves me the same way.

He is trying to get a better job that is a day time job. I am praying he gets this job and hoping that more time together (going to bed together would be nice since now he works 3rd shift when I go to bed he goes to work and when he comes home Brandon gets up if he's not already up)will be just what we need. I don't know how much more I can take.